We weren’t\u00a0able to share Thanksgiving with my parents and other relatives in my childhood hometown this year.\u00a0 If we had, my wife and I probably would have hosted the event.\u00a0 I would have made the biscuits.\u00a0 As it turned out, my mother assumed\u00a0dinner prep responsibilities, but\u00a0asked our daughter if she could\u00a0take on\u00a0the biscuit role.\u00a0 My biscuit prowess is the stuff of legend,\u00a0so she (our daughter)\u00a0asked if I’d send her\u00a0my secret\u00a0recipe.\u00a0 I think since I typed it at the end of a long, tiring day and was apparently feeling punchy,\u00a0it ended up being a little unusual.\u00a0 I share it with you now to show that\u00a0a literary life can include humor, or at least, as in my case, attempts to be funny.\u00a0 Try writing\u00a0normal things in odd ways or odd things in normal ways.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Biscuit Recipe<\/span><\/p>\n ok.\u00a0 here ya go.\u00a0 ta-da.\u00a0 ready or not.<\/p>\n Put one tablespoon of vinegar in one cup of milk and let it sit whilst you mix the dry ingredients which are as follows.\u00a0 Pay attention!<\/p>\n 2 cups of flour You got that?\u00a0 Now combine the dry ingredients.\u00a0 Go ahead.\u00a0 Mix ’em.\u00a0 No.\u00a0 Really.\u00a0 Do it.\u00a0 Do it now!<\/p>\n Take one third cup of shortening.\u00a0 Or was that two thirds of a cup?\u00a0 No, I really think it was one third.\u00a0 Yeah.\u00a0 one third.\u00a0 But make it a generous one third, o.k.?\u00a0 Not level. Gospel Measure.\u00a0 Plenty.\u00a0 Then cut the shortening into the flour until the shortening looks like small peas.\u00a0 Not green, no, no, but the size of small peas.\u00a0 (that last bit is a sort of old timey, grandma, down home on the farm piece of advice, lore passed down generation to generation.)\u00a0 <\/p>\n When you’ve cut the shortening into the flour, pour in the now soured milk.\u00a0 Actually, a cup of buttermilk would be better, but what sane person keeps buttermilk on hand?\u00a0 I mean, honestly!\u00a0 So that’s why I’m telling you the next best thing: soured milk.<\/p>\n Now mix until the dry ingredients are all wet.\u00a0 Add flour if it’s too wet.\u00a0 Take away flour if it’s too dry (just kidding about that last one…)\u00a0 Once the dough is dryish, dry enough to sort of dump out of the bowl, then dump the dough out of the bowl onto a floured surface.\u00a0 Then knead the dough.\u00a0 Need the dough?\u00a0 Hard to describe.\u00a0 You’ve watched me often enough.\u00a0 Make it so that when you lightly press down on a half inch or slightly more slab of dough and it comes back up again, it’s ready.\u00a0 The tops should be dry, smooth, sleek, lovely.\u00a0 No more sticky.\u00a0 Cut out biscuit-sized rounds of dough.\u00a0 Put the biscuits on a greased sheet and… Oh Darn It…I forgot to tell you to pre-heat the oven to 425.\u00a0 Now you have to let the biscuits sit for a few minutes (it’s better to pop them in as soon as they’re on the sheet…maybe next time…)\u00a0until the oven gets to 425 degrees fahrenheit.\u00a0 Javohl!\u00a0 When the oven gets up to speed, or temp,\u00a0rather, put the biscuits in and cook them until they are golden brown, lovely, nicey, nice, nice, about 15 minutes or maybe 18 or 13 or whatever.<\/p>\n I s’pose that’s about it for the biscuits.\u00a0 Speaking of lore, I’ve been making these sons of guns since I was… wait…\u00a0fifteen?\u00a0 Oh My Gosh!\u00a0 I should declare 2014 when I turn 55 the Year of the Biscuit, celebrating my 40th anniversary of biscuit making.\u00a0 Ask your grandmother why I started making biscuits.\u00a0 Read her these instructions… she’ll recognize it as exactly, precisely how she taught me.<\/p>\n Amen<\/p>\n We weren’t\u00a0able to share Thanksgiving with my parents and other relatives in my childhood hometown this year.\u00a0 If we had, my wife and I probably would have hosted the event.\u00a0 I would have made the biscuits.\u00a0 As it turned out, … Continue reading
\n4 teaspoons of baking powder
\n1 half teaspoon of salt
\n1 tablespoon sugar<\/p>\n
\n<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"